Pants

Pants, undies, knickers, butt holders and giney protectors. Various names that are attributed to the one piece of clothing that is a leveller for all women. Every single women in the western world at least, wears underwear. It is the one item that I know every woman has to buy and is therefore the foundation of the fashion industry.

When I want to buy underwear, I almost always start at Best and Less, or as a friend of mine used to call it, Worst and More. In this store underwear is a mecca. The same styles from sizes 6 to 26. Boy leg, frills, stripes and stars, all in every size. I used to believe, while standing in front of that rack of undies, I was just like everybody else. I was a woman in charge and with underwear choice.

On a recent shopping expedition my sense of control and my only link to the skinny girls was completely severed. So yes, they make fun, cotton frills for the big girls as well as the skinny ones but never did I think that our skinny sisters would ever take over elastine sausage skins that take up most of my ‘going out’ undies.

Size 10! What size 10 woman needs a 99% elastine, skin coloured, spandex shrink fitter. Not only were there size 10 sucker inners but the range ceased to exist in anything more than a size 16.

What has happened to the only industry where my clothes look the same as the waify girls that shop in stores I can only dream of? What has happened to the safety of big girl’s pants? What has happened that I now have to compete for style in the ugly undie department?

I can’t buy Elle Mcpherson’s undies, and I definately can’t wear them – it’s almost akin to a hippo in a g-string. While the idea that we are just like everyone else is more than appealing, practicality speaking my undies need to consist of 99% elastine to suck in those extra bits and push my internal organs into a shape that slightly resembles the accepted womanly form.

But alas, even this now is becoming a struggle. I wonder if I bought two of the size 10 squeezers and sewed them together whether it would be the same thing? How about that Dr Rey? Huh! Size 10. Puhlease.