I have been home for two weeks, three days and four hours and the world has not ended nor has it miraculously developed in my absence. When you leave the only life you know for three months and believe your own self thoughts and transformations you think that things will be different when you get back. You are determined to make things different this time round and you absolutely believe, that this time you’ll get it right.
It’s all very nice in theory but when you crash land back into the real world there are hurdles that can stop your new life from moving in to your old one. Quite quickly my holiday memories fade to the postcard on the fridge and all that I can see is work, washing and the television. While I didn’t think about the tv a lot while I was out there, when I came home to a rainy and somewhat colder Brisbane I did some digging on the Foxtel IQ. Not only had my beautiful baby girl taped Game of Thrones for me, she’d IQ’d the entire season. Plus Grey’s Anatomy, plus Revenge all the way from episode one to the end of each season. The new me was going to go out. LIVE in the city that I actually live in. But it was cold and it was raining. What could I possibly LIVE outside that could be any more inviting than my couch, a blanket, a cup of tea and uninterrupted episodes from beginning to end? My answer was nothing. I sat on the couch for a day and a half. Every episode of Revenge and Grey’s done and dusted over the two weekends I’ve been home.
I’ve enjoyed my couch time. Actually I’ve missed it. But I’ve missed my friends too. And tonight, two weeks, three days and four hours later, I am spending my first night at home on my own. Tonight I came home from work and had to entertain myself. I should have went to the gym but again it was cold and rainy and I had run out of clean gym pants. Three very good reasons not to make it today. So with that off the agenda, what next? I did a lap of my kitchen, stared at the fridge full of food, closed the door and reminded myself of the jeans I’d thrown out when I got home. If I ate that, my new ones wouldn’t fit and I would be forced to be the chick from Mean Girls who has to wear a tracksuit to school. I moved to my room, stared at my washing to put away and moved quickly back to the couch. Flicking through the IQ I noticed I still had an episode of True Blood to watch. I hovered my index finger over the button on the remote and stared at the blue dots on the screens on front.
This wasn’t what I had in mind for my new life. Blue dots, Foxtel IQ, rainy days, food avoidance, work avoidance – it was starting to feel quite similar to the one I’d left behind. With that thought, I flew from the couch and instead of reaching for my sneakers, I ripped the car keys from the hook and was determined to make my evening a little more productive. On the way out the driveway, I still wasn’t sure where I was going. Somewhere to do something that would get things done. I went through the list of jobs I had to do in my head and discounted them one by one. They all sounded too much like work and I wasn’t in the mood for that. I did need a new hard drive to back up my holiday photos and Brookside seemed like a good as a place as any to start.
It was ok. I may have been shopping but I was doing something productive. I needed a hard drive. I needed an extra pair of gym pants. I strolled through the aisles and racks of BIG W, running my hands across the fabric, over shiny book covers and clutching at things I didn’t really need. Six months ago I would of bought at least three of the things that I had touched but tonight not an urge. It had finally happened, a giant shred of my old existence had died. BIG W had lost it’s allure. I bought what I needed and left. No side purchases, no extras, no food. Gym pants and USB Drives. While that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I set out to LIVE in my own city it was clear that right this moment something in me had changed.
I was bored and by myself and once upon a time I would have filled that hole with shopping, eating out – anything I could to make me feel better for the moment. But today it was just me and I was ok. I managed to be bored, alone and not have to buy the entire shop. This is not the first time I’ve resisted the urges of shopping but it is the first time I didn’t feel the urge at all. There are two possible excuses for this… 1. BIG W has gone seriously downhill in the last three months and I don’t want to shop there anymore or 2. I’ve run out of holes to fill.
While I don’t believe the second one entirely, I do believe they are mending slowly. I am also not entirely convinced that the first one ISN’T true. Afterall, I made a quick stop at Anaconda on the way home and I managed to find a pair of sneakers and a Hoodie that I absolutely needed. While I head down the path to picking a better life, I am doing everything I can to stay busy. Accepting invitations as they arrive and forcing myself into new situations as much as I can is still scary but my ‘Fuck it’ motto, while watered down in the real world, has survived it’s first two weeks. There is no telling how long it will stay front and centre but at least for a while my shopping budget will stay somewhat on track, my calendar full but there are no promises about stopping gym avoidance.
While I may have been a little miffed that the world here continued quite happily without me, it’s allowed me to think about what’s possible. I could actually pack up tomorrow and all that I thought would struggle without me would just keep on keepin on. I can move to Nepal, quit my job, open a shop, buy a mansion (paid for with the only thing I have lots of. Shoes.) or write a novel. The choices are there and I can choose them. It’s just time for more than 40% action. Isn’t that right Binnie?
life in big frilly knickers 