So apparently it’s quite clear which list is mine. Even my mum picked it. My workmates struggled but even my mum knows my ‘I will’ list. I will… They are just words and mean absolutley nothing until we are strong enough to put them into action. Sitting at the pub early on a Saturday evening, a beer or so in and what do we do? There are no men to stare at and no women to bad mouth. The bar is empty. With coronas in hand we begin, as all women do, to chat. Our friend, number three at the table if we count from the left, has a thirty before thirty list. When she first told me about it, I loved it. The idea that we shouldn’t have to wait to do the things we’ve always wanted to do was revolutionary. And writing them down, well that was pure genius. You see once it’s in text, it’s half way to done isn’t it? It’s a visual and physical commitment that sends what you want out into the universe. Well, that’s the plan.
So it isn’t fair really to let third friend from the left to have all the fun. Feeling positive about the universe I stole four serviettes from the kitchen bar at the Normanby and like all good teachers, one of us had at least three pens in our handbag. There were no rules about the list although we were quick to bag unrealistic and vague ideas. I take it back, I was quick to bag unrealistic and vague. Poor second friend to the left, she was questioned intently about a few of hers but I was adamant that ridiculous notions like ‘get married’ and ‘be happy’ were unrealistic and unachievable. The list had to be real and they had to be things that you could do as an individual, not rely on chance, luck or another breathing human being.
You’d think my list would start with something a little more refined and ‘big life’ deal but it didn’t. We’d spent the afternoon watching men’s volleyball. We were all a little on edge and my thoughts at least were laying elsewhere. So in order to help justify my list and explain my dot points to my mum, I thought I should probably qualify, quantify and just plain explain my list. One of you may be able to help me cross them off! So here goes. Number one. (Sorry Mum)
1. Sleep with a black man, a man in his 20s and one who doesn’t speak English. Like I said, we’d just watched mens volleyball. Hormones were running rampant and I’ve always had a little check list of ‘I wonder what that would be like…’ running through the back of my head since I first ever really noticed boys. A black man because I said no once and I’ve regretted since. (He was a Jamaican bus driver in Spain) A man in his 20s (under 25) because I’m older now, I’d love to know what it’s like to be able to tell one what to do without fear of rebuke. And because they have a lot of energy and I know what to do with it now. (Again, sorry Mum) and one who doesn’t speak English because you’d have to find another way to communicate and with that one you could do or say whatever you want without ever having to listen, justify or explain. Everything would be done by touch. While there are no extra points for combining them all into one man, I would happily give them all up for the sex with the right man. But until then, it can’t hurt to have a thought… They might make a good story?
2. Crash a party I’m not invited to. It’s wrong. It’s as simple as that. It’s not ok to celebrate someone else’s success and special moments when you don’t belong, but come on, it would be so much fun!! Free booze, new people, new name, personality, new anything you want. You can become Uncle Jeffrey’s distant cousin from Broken Hill who has a slight limp. The thrill of reinvention is contagious and I feel really bad about it, I promise I’ll send them a thankyou card when I get home or thrown out.
3. Do a fun run. I’m getting fitter and fun runs are things I’ve sworn all my life are stupid. But probably because I’ve never been able to do one. While I am not suggesting a 42km marathon is on the horizon, doing a 5km brisk walk with a jog in now and then I think is something I’d like to do just because I can now. Not quite ready yet, but everyday I run further on the treadmill is a day closer to being able to post a photo of myself on facebook in a shirt I paid for with an entry fee to run somewhere.
4. Hit Double Digits. I will will weigh less than three digits and I will do it soon. End of story.
5. Invent a cocktail. I want a signature drink. Something that I invented, made up and give freely to all I know. I want someone to say, ‘Oh yeah, I’ve got a friend who made this drink that’s freaking awesome!’ And then they share the recipe with a fancy name that I thought up. This one will take time, perfecting AND my friends to stop breastfeeding, being pregnant or trying to get up the duff.
6. Fit into LJ Pants. LJ = Lorna Jane. You know the ones. They are navy cargo pants with a grey stretchy waistband. It seems women in winter everywhere are wearing them. And while I don’t tend to base my style on what everyone else is wearing they do look comfy. But more than that, they are a symbol. Fit, skinny people shop at Lorna Jane. I know she is overpriced, commercialised and well onto the ‘we can all be fit and healthy’ bandwagon, but her clothing range is nothing but restricting and discriminitaroy to those of us who aren’t there yet but want to be. Those pants will be mine.
7. Ask a boy out. I am a woman scorned by rejection and fear of being laughed at. Since some arsehole in grade 6 asked me out as a joke and then told me I look like a circus bear, life has been tough. I know it’s not a massive deal right now, but I don’t tend to be very forthcoming in my feelings with boys. Apparently I am ok about delivering my feelings on almost every other topic but I do struggle to make a move on a man. So I am going to bite the bullet. Make a move. Say hello and hope to God he doesn’t turn around and call me a circus bear.
8. Go to India and Africa. I will go to India, I will throw coloured powder and I will fill my senses with both of those cultures. I will camp in a tent, hear a lion roar and watch a hippo yawn. I will go. I will see and I will be part of it. I just need to save up first. 😦
9. Take better photos. I did a night time TAFE course a few years ago. It’s time to upgrade. Taking photos is something I am ok at but I think I could be better at. It takes practice and time and helps me develop patience, take in the quietness and capture a feeling. It’s more creative than stamping, (the current craft of choice) and infintely less nerdy.
10. BE PUBLISHED. That was an afterthought. My friends around the table were shocked that that had made it so far down the list and friend number two even went as far to say as I thought that would be your number one. I thought about that for a little bit and she’s right, it should have been my number one. I right beacause I like it. It’s like cheap therapy. I’ve worked out over the last few years of self examination that I am a sharer and sometimes I don’t need to be, but in the guise of fiction, my life, its events, my fantasies and my thoughts can be anyones. Not even mine. So while being publsihed would be awesome, with or without it, I’m going to write anyway.
So there it is. My ‘I will’ list. And even if I am transparent and most of you could guess which was mine anyway, I feel a little better that I at least get to explain my list. Whether they all happen or whether they don’t, I’ve thrown them to the universe and shared them with three friends who have their own lists. I am not unrealistic and I am not shallow. What will be, will be. But it is nice to know what I want and be able to say so. Even if it was at the pub on a serviette.
life in big frilly knickers 