I scoff regularly that all I need in a man is shoes, teeth and a job. I tell myself that shoes indicate he can dress himself, having teeth means he’s somewhat hygienic and a job indicates that he has a sense of responsibility and maturity. It’s a far stretch and as my friends sometimes remind me, there’s a long way between one tooth and a head full of them. The criteria may seem fairly liberal and would indicate that I’m not that picky, it hasn’t seem to work for me so far. On revealing this to a new friend of mine, she asked quite plainly, ‘Well, have you made a real list?’
I balked at the suggestion. ‘You mean like a list of things that I really want in a man?’ She smiled and said ‘Yeah.’ I was shocked by the audacity of the woman. Is it appropriate to make a list? Is it ok to be that picky or prescriptive? For years I’ve been trying to be open minded. I’ve been trying not to have these pre-conceived ideas about what I want in a man and trying not to hold unrealistic expectations that Prince Eric is going to show up on my front door. The kids in Mary Poppins wrote their advertisement for a Nanny and she magically showed up. Accepting all that hinted at an interest in me hasn’t worked for me so far, so here goes.
Position Vacant
Wanted – A Man
I am seeking a man for the full time occupation as my boyfriend. Applicants for this position will need to submit a written application or carry out a grand romantic gesture to apply. The following qualities are mandatory but experience is not necessary.
Funny: Has to be able to make me laugh even when I’m cranky. There are no limits on funniness. It is always an appropriate time to make me laugh. Except at funerals, when it has to be done secretly and quietly.
Generous of heart: A willingness to ‘chip in’ and help others. A sense of community awareness and social justice. Willing to be part of a world that is much bigger than themselves.
Traveller: The world is massive. You must have seen some of it and NEED to see more of it.
Active: You must like to move. Not necessarily a triathlete or a marathon runner, but if you move further than your couch and even out the door frequently, you’re a winner. If your couch has bum indents, please do not apply.
Intelligent: Smarter than me. Really. Just not think that you are.
Social: I like my friends, you should like yours and have them. You should want to spend time with other people on a regular basis.
Fun: Immaturity is acceptable on occasions. Fart jokes are still funny, as are bad puns and child like behaviour.
Open minded about sex: Enough said. My mum will read this.
Ballsy: While it’s not typically a word I would put in a formal application process it is necessary. You have to be ballsy. Strong enough to call me out when I’m being bitchy and judgmental, can tell me what to do and mean it so much that I actually do it (only when it’s really important) and can argue back. No one likes a man who doesn’t push back.
Individual: You have your own sense of style. I shouldn’t need to dress you and you know how to take care of yourself. Your mum taught you how to iron a shirt as well.
Logical and Practical: Needs to think things through just for the plain and simple reason that I don’t. While I don’t love this quality in a man, it is necessary to keep me out of the whore house and from being homeless.
Spontaneous: and if you’re not, you must be willing to accept that I am. Being ok with the idea that having a coffee may mean we don’t get home for eleven hours because we’ve driven to the coast for a secret wine party where we found out through some old guy at the servo that Bernard Fanning was doing a secret crooning session in the vineyard.
Thinks I am a ‘rockstar’ everyday: Can look at me and see the things in me that I can’t see in myself. You need to believe that I have something to offer and a feeling that you just can’t put your finger on. You have to want to be near me.
And finally, is kind to kids and animals and can participate in pants off Tuesday. If you know anyone who fits this description or you think you do, please respond immediately. Renumeration is low but the emotional reward is priceless. Applications will only close when a suitable applicant can be found.
So there it is. My list is out into the universe. It may vary in seriousness but the point remains that in the grand scheme of things, I do believe that the above person exists. Whether I meet them in this life or the next is irrelevant because the beauty of life is that the people who are currently in mine, already have these characteristics.
I don’t live in a world where Mary Poppins is real and I am almost certain that if I ripped up this list and threw it in a fireplace, he wouldn’t just arrive at the front door with an umbrella. So it’s out. Send it to the papers, the personals and the career websites. Loving me is a full time job, but for the first time ever, I finally believe it’s worth the investment. And maybe, just maybe that’s enough to remind the universe that I’m here. I won’t be waiting for them to arrive, but if the universe decides to put them in the middle of my path, may it give me the strength to see them and hold onto them.
If my reckless abandonment doesn’t work and my list is deemed too prescriptive, I am willing to compromise. There was nothing wrong with shoes, teeth and a job and I’m sure the online dating world can deliver at least one of those. Surely.
life in big frilly knickers 