If you’ve played any part in my life you know that something weird happens when I meet a man whose name starts with M. It’s gotten to a point that my friends and family have insisted it’s enough of a reason for me to swipe left based on a first initial. While I think they’re being a little harsh, they do have cause for concern. You see, M’s are not good for me. Michaels, Marks and Matthews in particular have played influential roles in my man world. While very, very few (actually none) have been real ‘boyfriends’ they have been very strong influences in the way that I see men and the way that I think about them. There is no doubt that I love them but I’ve spent a great deal of time analysing whether it’s the man or the letter or the common denominator of me that draws me to these men.
So while we are staring down the barrel of Matthew number 4 of the M’s who are not my boyfriends it’s time to make a plan to minimise the chance of future damage. To remove the power of the M and empower all of the other 25 letters of the alphabet. We all know I’ve tried to come up with a number of plans to meet future husbands. I’ve tindered, I’ve fished in waters of plenty, I’ve eharmonied, I’ve speed dated, I’ve photographed and stalked at bogan sporting events, I’ve gone out and gotten drunk and spoken to strangers in the grocery aisles with my bananas on the left-hand side and none of these have proved successful. I have however, made a plan.
My life will continue and advance without any Ms. It will move on and I will make decisions without the influence of any letter of the alphabet. I have house plans, baby plans, happiness plans and all are achievable and timely without the influence of any man regardless of his letter but even with these plans it turns out I keep meeting Ms anyway. The latest, like all of the rest, is lovely. He is thoughtful, caring, funny and is also a little bit different. Like all of the others, in the beginning, I did consider him a potential candidate, but like all of the others, it just hasn’t turned out that way. He is screaming to be added to the man best friend list with the rest of the Ms and now I’ve got a Christmas card list that I can photocopy. So it’s time to make a plan. A plan to avoid the Ms, lose the Cs and trial the other 24 letters on the keyboard.
Plan A: Eliminate all new friends, people I meet that have their first initial as an M. There’s no need to keep them in the friendship circles and even less of a need to date one. What can a new M bring me that my current and previous Ms haven’t? It will be easy. “Sorry, what was your name? Michael you said? Sorry about that, I’ve got enough of those. Have a nice life,” and walk away.
Plan B: Remove the letter from my keyboards. Just pluck it off. Then refer to all current Ms by their last names. By removing the letter, I am surely removing the influence associated with it and eliminating any influence over my life. My friends and family will stop being confused about which one I am talking about and they’ll no longer have to have ridiculous nicknames.
Plan C: Ask all my current Ms to change their names. It seems more reasonable to ask the several that are currently in my friendship circles to change to Daves, Leons and James’ rather than keep supporting my addictive habit of Ms.
While none of those plans will probably work, what I really have to do is stop making man friends. I love the ones I have but let’s be honest I’ve got enough. Regardless of their initials, I need to love the ones I have and carefully think about the introduction of new ones. I need to start handing out socks like they’re beers on a Friday and loving the life I already have. I need to be present in the lives of all of my letters and appreciate all of the different things they bring me regardless of their gender. I am lucky. I am loved. All the Ms in the world aren’t going to break my life, but they may change its direction. But that could be an M, F, D or a T. Who knows but if it’s a fetish for M, it’s a fetish I should be thankful for.
life in big frilly knickers 