I have finally stumbled across ‘If You are the One’ on SBS. If I wasn’t depressed about finding a PDD, then I certainly am now. For those of you who have missed it, think Perfect Match with twenty-four women minus a loveable robot named Dexter. One man stands in front of said women and as they ask him questions they have the option to turn their lights to red. Then in the light flashing wrestling arena, a bald host and two chaperones throw in witty banter and hope that the Chinese man humiliates himself.
Tonight’s candidates consisted of a man with two masters degrees and ran four start up companies, published a book with the UN and published children’s safety stories. Nobody lit up for him and his hotline bling was obviously non-existent. He had to rely on an extra hiding in the avenue of love to get a date. The next guy walked out on stage, apologised about for his voice saying he had a rare form of influenza. All of his lights lit up bar one. He was then continuously criticised for his unmanly chest, tame lamb ways and was then defamed by his own friends that called him depressed and desperate. The other one chose a woman with no arms and then she rejected him. Publicly.
I can’t help but think if the Bachelor and the Bachelorette ran like this, there would be more in the pool for the rest of us. The manor wouldn’t be filled with Daves and a Sasha, Barry, Gav, Jase, Damo, Pete and Mick would all get a run at the gauntlet. You could Tinder right in front of people! What was that, Mick? You spend two hours in the gym a day and work twelve hour days, sorry, left. Next one. Shaz, Linda, Amber and Rhonda would have the option of a green or a red button when Jeff walks out from his brightly lit tube covered in lightening and then they hit yes or no. That’s it. The show continues until everyone either says no or one is left standing and they go on a date.
Holy shit, deal breaker. This guy, ‘maybe I’m too westernised for these people’ has more than one left on his light show at the end of his turn. The girls don’t pick, Mr Western then walks up shakes hands with the awkward girls and turns their lights off for them. Then with a field of four, the world gets to dish the dirt on the girls as well and then he gets to choose! We were all on track for an Australian version until right now.
Poor Shaz and Linda would never cope with the public brutality of being extinguished on national television. They wouldn’t cope with their own friends and family slagging them off about how bossy and whiney they are let alone, Pete, in his tradie yellow shirt, turning around to say, ‘Nah, your face is a bit shit.’
The joy, and the brutality, of ‘If you are the one’ is it’s honesty. It’s upfront, judgemental honesty that clearly exposes the shortfalling of other people. It’s a trainwreck to watch but like all natural disasters associated with the human heart, it’s impossible to turn it off.
Tomorrow night is adventure speed dating. I get text messages to meet dates at new venues all over The Valley, I then have to find them, use the conversation starter that is texted to me and then move on to the next venue. It’s scary and I’m petrified and I am going to need at least two wines before it begins. I know, that just like Shaz and Linda, I have absolutely no strength for full frontal emotional bitch slaps. So while I jest about an Australian version of this shite, I don’t want a single part of it no matter what the prize.
The Chinese ‘winning’ date is a trip to the Aegean Sea and a hamper of washing products. And if you don’t win one of those, it’s ok. Your email address is displayed on the screen during the credits if you’ve fallen in love with any of the onscreen bachelors. Now that is something our Bachelorette could learn. I’d love to send an email to Dave. or David. or Davey… I can’t remember which one is which… but Chinese or Australian, an email address seems like the safest option for all of us.
life in big frilly knickers 