She stared at the well-dressed woman on the television. She didn’t look like her bathroom would ever get dirty enough to warrant the need of a Turbo Scrub 360. The belting man beside her bleated continuously about the lack of any need to bend over while scrubbing and the brush’s fancy three interchangeable heads.
I’ve been on the couch for over a week. I’m fine but there are certain kinds of sick they don’t let you go to work with and so you relegate yourself to life on the couch keeping your diseases and germs in your own house consistently re-infecting yourself by burying yourself in your own blankets of filth.
There’s something mildly comforting about the promise of life being easier. Television infomercials might sell shitty products but what they really sell is a better, easier life. Have you ever really watched one? All the way to the end? There’s a language, a set of rules that the companies follow religiously. Like the flow of foot traffic in shopping centres and casinos, infomercials are designed to make you want things that you have no need to purchase.
The Turbo Scrub 360 was the closest I’ve come to picking up the telephone. It was close. So close. But like all spur of the moment decisions when your brain is impeded with the infection of a virus, you do all that you can to stop yourself making decisions that involve your credit card. After all, you’re saving that for more thought out purchases, like the four pairs of shoes I bought shopping last weekend.
The Turbo Scrub cleans the grout in your bathroom tiles. Without bending over it removes all the gross stuff that comes off your body and settles into the grout that holds your bathroom tiles together. Whenever I get into my shower I frequently have the same reoccurring thought. That slightly discoloured section of tile grout is my own filth. I hate the thought and on most days, you let it pass through to the keeper with all the other things in life that you can’t control.
But with the Turbo Scrubber do you think that thought could be eliminated? Can it really remove the ‘grossness’ of your own filth from your bathroom tiles? Maybe it can but there’s still one small problem. You still have to use the bloody thing. You see the amount of filth in my bathroom is only defined by my lack of enthusiasm for removing it.
Yes, the thought makes me feel a bit ick but not ick enough to make me want to clean it more than I have to. I hate cleaning. I hate the thought of it, the act of it and the idea that I have to do it. With all that the world has taught me about positive language and reframing needs to wants, I still can’t bring myself to talk about bathroom cleaning in the same way.
I can reframe exercise. I want to go to the gym because I feel better when I leave. I want to go to work because I want to buy more shoes. I want to eat that broccoli because it will make my pants smaller. But when I try and reframe bathroom scrubbing… I want to scrub my bathroom because it will make me feel a little less ick… Nope does nothing.
So, the Turbo Scrub 360 is not mine. I did not spend two easy payments of $29.95 for a battery-operated scrubbing brush that’s probably still not going to clean the bathroom for me. I’m better off spending that $60 and getting a cleaner to do it for me. That’s the real solution for the future. Outsourcing. I just need to make enough money to make that a viable option. Maybe if I stopped with the shoes it would be… Now let’s not get hasty, that isn’t going to happen.
life in big frilly knickers 