You know what? Right now I couldn’t get a kick in a stampede. That is apparently a real Australian euphemism I found on google. It’s far less offensive than the traditional “I must have run over a chinaman” but I think the intent is the same.
If there is a way to ‘fix’ myself at the moment – I don’t know what it is. And while I have lolled in the pity party for more than a week now, as I start to emerge and check in on those I love, their euphemisms seem to be in the same state of chaos. The world is happening to us at the moment and there doesn’t seem to be much we can do but hold on and ride it out.
And the sheer number of people that I can add to the list of ‘these things are happening to me even though I’m working really freaking hard to put things in place to lessen the blow’ is astounding. So many of us just seem to be putting one fit in front of the other in the hope that we’ll get through whatever wet fish is lining us up to slap next.
So what happened? Did the universe fart and the blowback was concentrated to my village? Or is it always like this and we’re all so emotionally loaded at the moment that each ‘next thing’ has just worn the resilience so low that time it’s taking for us to get back is just that much longer?
Usually my emotional crisis’ can be isolated to one of my operating spheres. Is it financial? Is it work? Is it parenting? Is it dating? Is it an established relationship? Is it a family event? Is it study? And I can pick the sphere, isolate the problem, and just focus on the other spheres will that one rights itself somehow. But this week multiple fires are burning and my fire extinguishers, like most of Brisbane, are covered in mould.
Normally this situation would be enough to send me packing straight back to therapy. And to be honest, that’s where I should probably be to manage the shit fight that I’m currently internally sorting, but the humans in my world who are also holding mouldy fire extinguishers and this has got me thinking that maybe, maybe something else is at play here.
Have I really fucked up this religion thing and Jesus is punishing my analysis of his story telling? Have I not sacrificed the right amount of beanie boos to the thrift gods? Have I bought a product that has destroyed 1/15 of the Amazon rainforest and wiped out an entire species of insect that the Capybara need to survive? I fee like some warning light is on somewhere and we’re all just ignoring it hoping it doesn’t explode.
There are options of course… I can stick my head in the sand and let the whole world burn and just play happily in the places that are not on fire. My tiny family is great. I haven’t killed my kid and this week, I think my parenting is ok. My bigger family are also great. No crisis other than the norm happening there. My friends are perfect- sort of – their lives are burning too, but there is no doubt that I love them and they love me and we’re doing the best we can. So that’s ok too. But work, uni, dating, that one big, important friendship that’s spectacularly imploding… I have no idea where to start.
The triage nurses in my life would tell me to pick what’s dying the most and assess. That’s the imploding friendship – assessment – nothing I can do will change the outcome, so pragmatically – tag it black and let it die and move on to the next. Uni – you didn’t fail, it wasn’t brilliant but you passed and you have no intention of doing your PhD so, park it, tag it black and pick up the next assessment piece and start again. Work – Again, find the cause, can you help it – no. Can you relieve the symptoms. Yes – set clearer boundaries, find a new work wife since the other one is on fire and take breaks and build some community with your colleagues. Ok. Tag it yellow, watch it and DO something with one of those. Monday I promise to have lunch at the table. Next! Dating. You’ve been ghosted – again. By the same man twice. Tag it black. Let it die. Tag all of the apps black and let it all die. (That’s extreme, I know, but we’ve all been there.)
The triage nurses would say concentrate on the yellow. Do what you can. But the empath and giant ball of feelings in me is carrying all those black tags I should have left on the bodies. The concept of triage is right though. The feelings of the black tags become less and less the more you concentrate on the green and the yellow and the spheres you can actually change. The hard part is making the judgement call… is it dead? Does that situation deserve a black tag? No more of your time/fucks/feelings? If the answer is yes – then commit. Tag and move to the next thing you can help.
People have said to me my entire life that the world brings you what you need, not always what you want. And that if something was meant to be yours – it will come back to you. I have hated that faith based ridiculousness since the first time I heard it. You make your own decisions and choices and all of those have consequences. But what those people knew that I didn’t… sometimes the universe lines up those face-slapping fish and leaves you wet and drowning in a fireball with a mouldy fire extinguisher.
The world will try to break us. And sometimes it feels closer to the wire than others. But lucky for me, there are some drowning humans lined up beside me with their own mouldy fire extinguishers, working as hard as they can to hold us all together until the storm passes. Because it will. This too shall pass. The human on my left tells me that all of the time. Even when her world is on fire. XX
PS: I have no fucking idea what colour tags they use … it’s just a metaphor. Don’t come at me my nurses. Just be happy I listened to the concept.
life in big frilly knickers 